90/365 Radical Forgiveness

I borrowed a CD from the lending library at Mom2Mom.  It's from Hearts at Home workshop from 2005.  The speaker was Julie Barnhill and her topic was Radical Forgiveness.  My blog will be about this today because it touched me so deeply. 

She spoke of forgiving ourselves.  Isn't that the hardest? The Bible says that Jesus removed our sins as far as the East is from the West.  But it's hard to forgive yourself.  You remember those sins.  The devil uses it for spiritual warfare.  You begin to think that you aren't good enough for God.  None of us are, but He gave up His own son to save us.  That's His Grace. That just blows my mind.  We talked about it in small group.  I could never do what Abraham was willing to do.  I would never give up my daughter even if God physically showed up and told me to.  Man, Abraham had incredible faith but that is for another blog.  It's so hard for us to remember we can't earn our salvation.  We can't do enough good to out weigh the bad we have done.  God simply forgives us which is amazing.  We need to forgive ourselves.  Julie talked about how when we don't forgive ourselves it is more baggage that we carry.  It then effects areas of our life.  That hit home.  I can't seem to forgive myself for my college years. I made so many mistakes.  I can't seem to get past it.  I fall in that area of trying to do enough good to make up for those years (17-23) of my life.  It doesn't work that way.  I have to keep reminding myself that those sins gave me Gabrielle.  And Gabrielle lead me back to God.  And God has forgaven me of ALL those sins and in His eyes I am washed clean in His blood. 

Julie also talked about forgiving others and how freeing it is to yourself.  The other person isn't effected by whether you forgive them or not.  You are.  You can unload a huge burden and lay down that bundle you have been carrying all by forgiving.  Julie closed with two prayers that I am copying word for word.  They apply to my life.  I hope they help you. You fill in the prayer with the name of the person you need to. 

Lord God I cannot imagine forgiving (fill in the blank with that name) who has hurt me so badly.  You know I  can list their offensives right now if I'd like how well I know them.  I have tried truly to forgive them for a long time.  But now I'm simply asking you to help me.  Help me forgive them and let go of everything that is attached.  Help me find radically rescue in this area of my life.

Lord God (name of person who hasn't forgiven you) has not been able to forgive me.  I know what I have done to hurt them. I'm truly sorry for that.  (Or I don't know what I did to offend them so badly.)  I'm simply asking you to help them to forgive me even if I don't deserve it.  Show them the truth of redemption and a life that is free of all sins, grudges, and regrets.  And help me to build a bridge of restoration in that relationship if it is healthy to do so and if it's what you desire. 

88/365 Star Light Star Bright

This is my daughter's art that she brought home.  It's amazing how much her art has improved this year.  When she brings pictures home you know what it is instead of saying oh how lovely what is it?  You know without asking.  I love the growth in her art skills.

This is from the series of Eric Carle art pictures she made.  I love this.  It makes me think of wishes on stars as a kid.  As a teenager my wish was for my soul mate to find me.  As a single mom it was happiness and to raise a great child.  I love that all my wishes came true.  I have my soul mate. I am raising a great child with my soul mate.  I have happiness.  So yes wishing on stars works, but I know that praying works better:)

86/365 teaching again man I missed it

I'm thrilled to go back to teaching. I took a break.  I had so much turmoil in my life.  I didn't think I was able to give the time to be a great Kidsview teacher.  I'm helping out today and 2 times next month.  Then I'm back even months first hour in June.  I didn't realize how much I missed it.  The lesson of the day was "Trust God no matter what." They used Job as an example.  Just another way God is telling me that I am heading in the direction and to just trust Him.  I am!

83/365 bragging on my daughter

Today she helped at the Eastview food pantry.  Eastview moved their food pantry into a bigger better space, still within the church.  Gabrielle and I went over to help organize and put things away.  Gabrielle was the only child.  When we first got their the volunteers who don't know her looked at her like oh no she's going to be in the way.  They quickly found out what an asset she is.  People were asking for her help.  She sorted clothes, went through bags to check for holes, organized soup, and so much more.  I heard lots of people saying how wonderful a help she is.  She loves our food pantry.  We use to just bring food to the food drive days.  Then she said "can't we do more?" So we started helping sort the food donations on food drive days.  Still she wanted to do more.  She was too young to work the food pantry so I signed up.  She shops with me for food pantry items.  She cares about the pantry.  It also helps her to see how blessed she is because she has food.  It was a wonderful afternoon watching my daughter work for the Lord.

79/365 everyone has a story

My picture of the day is a picture of the book I'm reading.  The title of the book also has to do with my blog today.  I had an amazing opportunity to listen to Jami Kaeb speak at Mom2Mom on Wednesday.  Her main focus was Everyone Has a Story.  She talked about each person we meet has their own story.  Instead of judging and hurrying through take time to show some compassion because you don't know what their story is.  You don't know where their journey has taken them.  Have mercy.  It hit home with me.  I think my biggest struggle is judging without having the background information.  I jump to conclusions.  I don't mean to.  I assume if you are being mean then you're a jerk.  I never stop to think you are having a bad day.  I'm a work in progress.  I'm working harder to show God's mercy and love. I'm working harder not to jump to judge.  It's not my place.  It's God's place.  God will judge us all.  I need to leaving the judging to Him.

PS Jami has a blog.  I'm following it.  If you want to check out her blog look on my profile page and find her under who I follow. 

74/365 beauty in the rumble

My picture of the day was taken at the church that my daughter has Daisy Scouts at. The church is making crosses out of corn stalks. They are simple yet beautiful. I had a meeting with my pastor last week. He told me that I need to pray for the ability to find peace and beauty in the simplest of things. He knows my struggles. He knows that I'm feeling like Job. But he also knows that I need to find beauty in the rumble. I have so many negative things happening that I focus on. I need to stop it. I need to stop and smell the roses. I need to include more praise in my prayers. I need to find the beauty of the things around me like of a simple cross made out of corn stalk.

71/365 I'm going home

I have that Chris Daughtery song stuck in my head. It's amazing no matter how old you get, when bad things happen you revert to kid wanting their mommy. I always leave my mom's feeling better and stronger. She is a source of strength and encouragement. She has had her share of terrible things happen to her but she's never given up. Just being with her makes me inspired to keep going. My picture of the day is the playground at my grade school. They have completely redone the school but this part of the playground has remained the same. It's amazing and surreal watching my daughter play on the same playground that I did. It's been a great day, a wonderful distraction. I needed this.

70/365 pets get sad too:(

Everyone said we were crazy to get a dog since we already had a cat.  Everyone said they would fight like crazy.  They did at first.  This was Pumpkin's house he was letting Dallas know that even though he was a cat he was still the Alpha Dog.  They got better over time.  They liked to wrestle and play like most animals.  Sometimes they were too rough.  Then we would break it up.  A lot of time they would lay next to each other like in this picture.  Or they would both pick a spot on the back of the couch to watch outside.  Dallas always happily shared his food with the cat.  I didn't think Dallas would be effected by the loss of pumpkn.  But he is.  He isn't eating much.  This picture is of him sighing and looking sad.  He has

been searching the house for the cat.  He can pick up Pumpkin's smell so he goes everywhere looking for him.  He comes into the bath room and stands on his back legs to see if the cat is in the bath or on the counter.  He has been under the beds a few times, which is strange because he is scared of there. He keeps looking for the cat at meal time because Pumpkin usually sat near the dog to steal some of his food, even though he had his own food.  Dallas keeps sniffing and looking in all of Pumpkin's hiding spots.  He has even looked in the litter box a few times.  Usually if Dallas goes to the litter box, he digs something out of it.  But now he is in search of his friend, his brother Pumpkin.  It's incredible said to watch.  He doesn't understand where the cat is.  He saw the cat collapse and Mike rush the cat out of the house, but he never saw the cat come back.  We didn't let Dallas be a part of the burial/funeral for Pumpkin.  We were afraid he would try to dig Pumpkin up to save his friend.  So yes, everyone in our house is sad and missing Pumpkin.  I can't even look at the word cat without tearing up.  Gabrielle cried at school yesterday.  Mike keeps waiting for Pumpkin to follow him to the bathroom like Pumpkin did every morning.  I keep waiting for him to come cuddle.  It's a sad time in our house.  It's been suggested that we get a new cat.  I just can't.  Gabrielle said maybe one day we could get a cat but not now.  She said it would feel like we were trying to replace Pumpkin and we can't replace him.  My 6 and 1/2 year old is wise beyond her years.  I can't get a cat because I would be mad at that cat because he wouldn't be Pumpkin.  I hope one day we rescue another cat, because I'm a cat lover.  But we will need to heal and only time can do that. 

69/365 missing him like crazy

A wise friend told me to get out of the house yesterday.  So we all spent the day out, eating out, window shopping, just not at home.  Well today life is back to normal or it is suppose to be.  Gabrielle is at school.  Mike is at work.  I'm home alone with my sadness.  The dog is no comfort.  I'm mad at him and I don't know why.  Mike says it's because he is alive and Pumpkin isn't.  (Not that I want something to happen to Dallas either.) I'm just mad and don't know who to be mad at so I'm mad at Dallas.  Plus Dallas is driving me crazy.  He keeps sniffing everything in search of the cat.  When he finds a spot that smells like Pumpkin he sniffs that spot to death, then licks it to death, then rolls on it like crazy.  In search of him, Dallas keeps going to all of Pumpkin's favorite hiding spots: the bath tub, bathroom counter, the beds, behind the couch, even under the beds.  Dallas is afraid of under the beds but today he is actually going under there trying to find his friend.  It's so sad.  I thought dogs were suppose to hate cats.  I always said they were my sons, because I'm not having any more kids.  And Gabrielle called them her brothers.  They liked to fight and wrestle like brothers, but today I'm realizing they loved each other too.  It's just so painful.  I didn't expect it to be so painful.  I've heard pet owners say it is like losing a family member.  I never believed that before yesterday.  I've lost pets it would hurt for a day or two but I moved on.  My family dog that had to be put asleep when I was 16 was the hardest, but it was more my mom's dog than mine.  She took it like I am taking this.  Losing this cat feels like losing a family member.  We got him December 30, 2007.  We went to the Humane Society as a reward to gabrielle finally being potty trained she got him.  They picked each other.  He was the only kitten that would let this rough 3 year old pick him up.  It was love at first sight.  He quickly took a preference to me.  He would cuddle mostly with me.  I was the only one he would let pick him up.  This past year has been a rough year all around.  He was my constant companion when Mike/gabrielle wasn't home.  He really became a BFF.  Now our house feels empty.  Gabrielle keeps going to the back door looking at his grave and praying to God.  She is so sad.  I hate seeing her sad.  She told me if we ever get another cat he can't be orange because we can't ever replace Pumpkin.  I have never seen her cry so much.  I wish I could stop crying and offer some wisdom.  I just keep telling her it will get easier with time.  It's just sad around here without him.  My friends and family have been so supportive.  Thank you.

68/365 RIP PUMPKIN TROUBLE QUINN

This is one of my favorite pictures.  I found it funny.  Pumpkin lost in deep thought on my exercise bike. 

He loved our soft blankets.  He would cuddle, purr, and knead his paws in the blanket.  We buried him in one of his favorite blankets. 

He loved our green blanket.  I loved this picture he was hugging gabrielle's feet.  She loved to have him sleep with her. 

This is after a bath.  We locked him in the bathroom because the time before he peed our bed in anger at the bath.  When he got out of the bathroom he wanted Mike's attention so badly.  He was made at me because I bathed him. 

This was taken last month.  He was not a fan of tight hugs.  Sometimes to drive him crazy I would pick him up and hug and kiss him.  He never attacked but he always looked mad. 

He was not a fan of taking a bath but he loved to lay in the bath.  He always loved to play with water.  He was constantly making messes with his water dish.  He would play with mine or gabrielle's bubbles in our baths. 

He was a wonderful cat.  He loved to climb in search of food or ribbons.

Pumpkin Trouble Quinn died suddenly this morning around 6am.  No one knows what happen.  God chose to take our Pumpkin.  He was only 3 years old.  He was a sweet, plump, happy cat.  Our household is filled with sadness.  Dallas keeps looking for him.  Gabrielle has lost her first pet which is a very painful time.  Mike is crushed.  I'm sadden because all in all he was my cat.  He liked me most and let me do stuff that he would never let the others do (ie bathing, ear cleaning, hugs)  He lived a short but full life.  He made a big impact on our family.  We buried him in one of his favorite blankets under my favorite lilac bush.  He will forever be missed. 

67/365 prayer and butterflies

"Butterflies are huge with me. I think it all started at church camp when someone told me that every time you see a butterfly it means someone is praying for you.  That touched me. So when I had gabrielle, I did her room in butterflies. That way she would be surrounded in prayers. She got to pick out the bedding for her soon to come big girl bed and she picked purple butterflies....that's my girl. When we were in Mexico we went on our tour and saw a very old cemetery. Our tour guide told us that there is a legend about Monarch Butterflies. It is believed that they are the souls of the warriors who are bringing messages back to the gods. I thought that was amazing. I saw so many butterflies in Mexico. I knew it was God's way of letting me know that gabrielle was alright" This is actually a blog I posted on myspace (remember the days of myspace?) on 9/25/07 right after our honeymoon in Mexico.  

Butterflies are still important to me.  The pictures in this blog are from different things in gabrielle's room.  She still loves butterflies, but she's added monkeys to the mix.  Her room is butterfly/monkey covered.  I still like to believe when you see a butterfly, it means someone is praying for you.  I am so blessed to have to so many people praying for me and what is going on in my life right now.  It amazes me how much people care.  I know God answers prayers in His time.  Sometimes the answer isn't what we want it to be.  Often it is not as quick as we want it to be, but it is all part of His plan.  For now I just keep praying.  And if I ever need to see butterflies to be reassured that others are praying too I can just go to gabrielle's room.  

65/365 Putting my trust in God

Tonight our family devotional was about trusting God.  The Bible story was about Moses parting the Red Sea.  It was about how all the Israelite people gave up on God because Pharaoh's army had them trapped by the Red Sea.  Then God used Moses to part the Red Sea.  The Bible verse was "Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God." Psalm 20:7  At church Pastor Mike said that some of us are not great at praying all the time.  We become great at praying during the really rough times.  I have been guilty of both, not putting all my trust in God and not praying as hard/often in the good times.  I'm learning.  This last year I have felt like Job, where every time I think things can't get worse they do.  You name it. I've been through it.  I have been attacked on every front physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.  It started last March with Mike's emergency surgery.  Then the Mother's Day from heck occurred.  Everything spiraled out of control from there.  Sometimes we just don't listen to God.  Mike Baker talked about praying hard enough and long enough God will answer.  Baker said he will either answer by slamming doors shut or opening them.  I have seen God slam doors in my face this past year.  It made me feel abandoned.  Today I realized He slammed those doors because He was steering me in another direction.  I believe He is slamming the doors because I wasn't listen to Him.  I wasn't following His whisperings, so He yelled at me.  I'm learning God. I'm listening to your doors slamming and watching the new doors opening.  I'm going to trust you.  My family is going to trust and lean on you.

My picture of the day is a wonderful present I got from a high school friend for graduation.  This has been in every dorm room, apartment, and house I have lived in.  It sits in my kitchen.  It is the Lord's Prayer.  When I'm lost for words, I cry out the Lord's Prayer over and over.  It is comforting.  I know that God is listening to my heart even when I can't form the words. 

63/365 wearing blue

Today is National Colon Cancer Awareness Day.  You are suppose to wear blue to raise awareness.  I lost my grandfather and several other family members to this cancer.  I have a friend whose mother is battling it now.  So we are wearing blue today to raise awareness.  I have several friends taking part in walks/runs to raise money for colon cancer research.  If you are interested in donating let me know.  I can get you some information. 

62/365 prayer bottle

In our family devotional today the activity was a prayer bottle, kind of like a message in a bottle.  I think this is great.  Small children and even us grown ups have a hard time with linking prayers and their answers.  This does it!  We wrote 2 prayer requests.  Gabrielle came up with one. Mike and I came up with one together.  Then we wrote them down and put them in the bottle.  Every time we see the bottle we will be reminded to pray about the needs.  It also encouraged us to write possible solutions to the problems and put them on the bottle.  We came up the solutions but it won't stick to the bottle.  So we placed it under the bottle.  When that problem is solved, we can see how God answers our prayers.  Then we put another one in it.  I thought this was a great idea. 
PS The bottle is from a caffeine free crush soda:) I'm still caffeine free. YEA! Over a month caffeine free!

61/365 prayer

This is my beat up Bible, my go to Bible.  I was given this for Christmas 1994 from my mom.  I no longer take it out of the house because it is falling apart but it is my reference Bible.  The Bible that I study.  I feel right now that I'm going through spiritual war fare.  I feel under attack.  I feel Satan tempting me.  I'm trying to do the right thing.  I'm trying to sink myself and my family into the Bible and into prayer.  Today I focused on my prayer books and Matthew.  I felt that was where God was leading me.  My Beth Moore prayer book hit the nail on the head today.  Here's her pray entry for today: "You're teaching me that pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those that take advice (Proverbs 13:10). Help me to discern the pride that is involved when I am quarrelsome.  Father, You've said that to fear the Lord is to hate evil.  You hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior, and perverse speech (Proverbs 8:13).  Help me to have a healthy fear of You that abolishes pride and arrogance."  That is my prayer today.  That I set aside any pride or arrogance that I have.  I also pray that I can continue to "But I tell you to love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." (Matthew 5:44) and "If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. "(Matthew 5:39) I pray today for the strength to rid myself of any pride and arrogance.  I pray that I turn my other cheek.  I pray that I can learn to not only pray for my enemies but also love them, because God loves them too. 

60/365 family devotions

I bought this family devotional about 2 years ago.  We have done most of them.  Gabrielle decided she wanted to start it again.  So we are doing one devotional a night as a family.  I love this devotional because it draws everybody in by the questions it asks and the fun activities that goes with each one.  Plus who doesn't love the Veggie Tales?  I read the devotional and get everything ready while Mike is at work and gabrielle is at school.  Then after dinner, we do one.  I can just feel us growing closer to God and to each other. 

On a side note, I'm really struggling with people who aren't Christians but are judging me.  People who think Christians are suppose to be a perfect example of what Jesus was like when he was here on earth.  I'm human.  I have made mistakes.  I'm working on becoming a better me and a stronger Christian.  It's hard when there are people out there that bring out all the worse parts of me.  I have to pray harder to not let those people effect me like that.  I need to keep practicing "pray for your enemy" and "turn your other cheek".  It's hard forgiving someone who keeps doing the same mean things to you over and over.  I just try to remember the passage in the Bible where a person asks God how many times are you suppose to forgive someone who sins against you.  And Jesus said the law says 7 times but I say 7times7 times.  I have to keep forgiving.  It's hard but I'm working on it.  And I have to pray that God uses me to show his love to that person.  I also have to pray that I will not sink to the level of being mean back to that person.  I will turn my other cheek.