Yesterday's sermon was a little rough on me. "If anyone comes would come after me, he must deny himself and take up the his cross daily and follow me." Luke 9:23
Pastor Baker discussed how people misuse the saying, "This is my cross to bear." Currently people will use it for anything from a part of a joke they hate or a family member they can't stand. Or they use it jokingly about a spouse (well let's hope jokingly). Baker said if you are literally not marching to your death it is not your cross to bear. In Jesus' time carrying a cross meant you were on your way to be torture and hung from that cross to die. So whatever you are having to endure it is not your cross to bear.
We only had one main verse yesterday (see above). It was broken down and discussed. To truly follow Jesus you must die to yourself and your selfish ways. Baker said You have to wake up every morning and say I'm going to die today. Then all decisions would be clear. It makes sense. It sounds easy and certainly not a new concept. Live each day as if you were dying, because we are.
Where it got rough for me was when he discussed the things/people we need to die to in order to put Jesus first. In other words we need to put Jesus before anything else. I can do that with almost everything. Here is where I fall short. "Number one relationship must be Jesus." Wow. It is so hard. Baker talked about people who worship their children. I do NOT worship gabrielle. I don't. I do put her first in my life. He talked about how it is wrong to put anyone before Jesus. Then he talked how it is wrong to put your children before your spouse.
Mike knew when he first started dating me that gabrielle was first. As a single mom that is the only way. You can't be a good single mom and put guys before your child. It was gabrielle and I since her birth. I mean I was with her father but we weren't together. We lived in the same apartment but we didn't even talk on a daily basis. It was rough. I always put her first. Her father didn't like that. I can understand that. But he and I was beyond repair and this wasn't the reason we didn't work. Now Mike had a hard time at first. He will openly admit that. But he also knows every other weekend he gets my full attention. I don't know how he does it. I am a hypocrite because I could not handle it. But he does. And he accepts that gabrielle is first. He doesn't love me any less for it (though that might add to his long list of reasons why he doesn't want anymore children.)
So gabrielle comes first, then Jesus, then Mike. I am not saying this is the way it is suppose to be. I am not arguing against the sermon or the Bible. I know in my mind Jesus should be first. But my heart says gabrielle needs to be first. This is my struggle. You know that verse, Romans 3:23 "for all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God." It is true we are all sinners. No one is perfect. This is my sin (not my only but my biggest struggle) putting gabrielle first. I pray about it. Maybe one day I can take that leap of faith and put Jesus first. But in the mean time, I take comfort that God knows my heart and knows that I am trying. Isn't that what it is all about? That we love God and we turn away from sin and turn to Him. I am trying.
