changes

Okay health update: Doctor is doing shoulder surgery on Wednesday to get rid of a bone spur. The following Wednesday another doctor is doing cortisone shots in my lower back to help with the pain. Headaches are the same. I go back in January.

Tomorrow I work my last day as a case manager supervisor for the elderly. I am not sure what my next step is besides recovering from all this health crap. I know that I am applying for part time jobs. I want to get a part time job. My dream is to go back to school to work with children. I love children. I light up around them. They light up around me. I was burnt out working in my last job. It wasn't the job. It was me. I just wasn't meant to do that job anymore. I believe God is leading me to something with children. I just have to pray and follow. That is my plan.

It is just so hard to walk away from a job that I was great at. I had been there for 5 1/2 years. I didn't feel challenged anymore, but I was excellent at it. I am not bragging. I just was really good at it. But my heart wasn't in it. I remember my mom and my dad telling me to work doing something you love and the money won't matter. I just didn't love my job anymore. It is time to move on. But it is so hard to say good-bye to my clients and co-workers after 5 1/2 years.

All Change is hard but I know this change is good.

Thankful

First of all I'm still stuck on my iPhone so excuse the typos.

I've been in a funk lately. I'm not sure why. I just can't shake it. So tonight we go to eat before gabrielle's choir rehearsal and mikes ref meeting. I'm all upset because I'm all by myself and nothing to do.

At dinner I was laughing because gabrielle's meal came with a toy from Desciple Me. (I can't even spell that word close enough for spell check to help. That's pathetic.) then I remembered how much Mike loved that movie. I told Gabrielle it is because the mean guy fell in love with being an adoptive dad to those girls. Well Gabrielle said like you got to be my step-dad. She got up and hugged Mike and said I love you. Then Mike said, "You see he thought he didn't like kids. And when I was younger I thought I didn't like kids. But I'm so happy I get to be your step-dad.". I started tearing up. He started tearing up. She started tearing up.

It was one of those moments that just melt your heart. I'm amazed at how lucky I am. And unfortunately how I often forget how lucky I am.

Landslide

This is my first attempt at blogging from my iPhone. So please excuse all typos.

I am 2 days away from turning 30. I'm really struggling with it. I'd love to be one of those people that just say age is just a number. But I'm not cool lie that. I look back and wondevwhere all the time has went. I feel like I should have done more in the last 30 years. I feel like they have flown by.

I was walking through a gift shop and losing myself in all the quotes on the gifts for sale. And I felt a total calmness come over me. I re-read a quote thinking the quite brought me peace but I realized that the quote wasn't it. I couldn't figure out what brought the peace. Then I started singing along (in my head) to the song on the store's speaker. That's when I realized the peace was from the song.

Landslide by fleetwood Mac moves me beyond words. A high school classmate sung it in a talent show. At the time I remembered being surprised he was singing what I considered an oldie. But I really liked his version and it always stuck with me. Exertions I heard that song I would think of Kraig. We weren't close. I knew him since I was in fourth grade. He was the cool, cute guy that everyone liked. He was friends with my brother. He died tragically in a car accident on his 23rd birthday. I went to his funeral to support my brother. And in his funeral program was a journal entry he wrote two months before his death. He was so happy with life. He was at peace with the things he thought he would never achieve. And he was satisfied with all he had. My mom said somehow somewhere deep inside he knew he was going to die. I think it was a goodbye love letter to his friends and family.

So everytime I hear that song I think of Kraig. The song talks about getting older. He never got that chance. I find it ironic that he sang that song. I also find it painfully ironic that I'm struggling with the aging process. I know I am lucky to be alive. I have known so many people to die before they even turned 20 (Tony, Holly, Aaron, Dale, Mike, Bobby, Tiffany,Heidi) or before they could turn 30 ( Kraig, Jeremy, Barry). I know each day is a gift from God. I know I am blessed and lucky to still be alive. I honestly know that.

I guess turning 30 is another reminder of my immortality. I know I won't live forever. We only have one life to live and I don't want to waste a minute of it. I'm as guilty as the next person with wasting sweet precious time on stupid things. I just need to vow to do better in the next 30 years. And be happy for every second God grants me on thus earth with those I love.

Malachi 3:3

I couldn't sleep. For some odd reason I started reading through old e-mails. I came across this one. I feel it is so moving. I am sharing it hoping it can helps others.

Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what
this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the
women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back
to the group at their next Bible Study. That week the woman called a
silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't
mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity
about the process of refining silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire
and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to
hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest
as to burn away all the impurities. The woman thought about God holding
us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that
says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver."

She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in
front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man
answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but
he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the
fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be
destroyed. The woman was silent for a moment. Then she
asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?"
He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy -- when I see my
image in it."

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has
his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in
you. Pass this on right now. This very moment,
someone needs to know that God is watching over them. And, whatever
they're going through, they'll be a better person in the end.
"Life is a coin. You can spend it anyway you wish, but you can only
spend it once."

God owes us nothing but gives us everything.....
>>>

I will praise you through this storm

I am going through a heck of a storm right now. And I need to remember to still praise God. There is a reason for everything. So here is a list of things I am thanking God for. This is in no order. And this is not everything I am thankful for just a few things I can think of right now.
I am thankful for....
-His forgiveness/my salvation
-my daughter/her health and safety and happiness
-my hubby/his health/love and support
-my family and inlaws, their health/support/love
-my church
-my job and mike's job-with so many losing jobs, we are so lucky to have ours
-my sanity, even though I felt like I was losing it today:)
-Dallas and pumpkin (I know they are just animals but they are my family)
-my friends, I have the best and most supportive friends ever
-Even though I thought I never wanted kids, God gave me gabrielle. I can't imagine my life without her.
-Terrence, despite everything, there would be no gabrielle without him.
-My self control to have not made the situation any worse than I did.
-My mom's honesty, I have and I am hoping gabrielle has it too
-Mike loves gabrielle as if he made her with me
-Mike supports me even when I mess up
-we are back to do okay money wise
-God never gives up on me
-chocolate and pepsi....I would be lost without them
-internet, can't imagine life without it
-my home, so many are homeless, and even though I don't have a mansion, I am not on the streets
-unanswered prayers
-God knows the answers
-I will get through this storm with His help
-food-I help with the food pantry and I know how lucky I am

I could go on and on but these are just some that come to my mind at 10:40 at night.

look back on the kindergarten experience

I can't believe today is gabrielle's last full day of kindergarten. Looking back the year flew by so fast. That first day was so hard on me. I cried until I gave myself a migraine. I begged Mike to let me home school. It is not often that Mike tells me no, but he did and I am glad that he did.

I remember being disappointed because gabrielle didn't get into the private school I wanted her to. But God always does have a plan. Colene Hoose is amazing. I was completely wrong about public school, or at least this public school. The staff is so caring. The principal knows each student's name. The office secretaries are friendly and informative. Even though there were 750 students in her school, you still got that small town feeling there. I think it helped that I was there every week helping out. I joined the PTO and became a fixture in the school. And next year I taking on more jobs/responsibilities in the school through PTO. I will be in charge of the Toys for Tots program, help in the library, and hopefully gabrielle's class next year.

As for her teacher, we LOVE her. Mrs. Yokley has been an amazing, caring, inspirational teacher. She has taught gabrielle so much this year. There use to be a poster that said Everything I ever needed to know I learned in kindergarten. Then it listed everything that you learn in kindergarten. You learn everything from being more independent, to sharing, to resolving conflict, to reading, writing, math. It blows my mind how much she has learned this year.

I am beyond happy that she didn't get in that private school. I am happy to be a Hoose Hawk family. And I am glad that Mike said no to home schooling.

true love

I had a high school teacher who informed me that I was in love with being in love. She was convinced that I would be married and divorced over and over, because I loved falling in love. I always thought she was right. I mean I had a ridiculous amount of marriage proposals. I fell in love over and over. I was in love with the ideal of true love.

This last week taught me that I was wrong. I am not in love with being in love. And I am not in love with the ideal of true love. I have true love. True love isn't about fairy tales or long walks on the beach or roses everyday. True love isn't what you see in the movies.

True love is sitting by your love's hospital bed. True love is showering your spouse after surgery, changing their bandages, and helping them get dressed. True love is about the ups and downs. Holding hands and hearts through it all.

I am so glad that teacher was wrong. I am not in love with being in love. I am in love with being married to my soulmate.