Stubborn, grudge holding, process to forgive is slow

I come from a long line of strong, opinionated, stubborn people who are eager to prove others wrong. My people hold on to grudges and are slow to let go. We love to argue and prove the other person wrong. Here is an example that I have heard my whole life. My great grandparents came from Greece when my grandpa was super young. They were excited to start over in America. From what I've been told, America did not recognize their training/schooling, so they could not get jobs in their chosen fields. So being the proud, stubborn people that they were, they became angry and refused to learn English. They Forbide English to be spoken in their homes for the rest of their lives.

I have a brother who hates peppers. He is growing ghost peppers, not to eat, but to prove he can. Ghost Peppers are suppose to be super hard to grow. He wanted to prove that they are easy to grow. So he is growing them even though he will never eat them. 

These are just two examples of my family's stubbornness. Stubbornness is not necessarily a bad thing. Being stubborn helps us to never give up despite the odds being negative. When stubbornness becomes a problem is when we refuse to let go and forgive others. I really struggle with forgiveness. 

How do you truly forgive someone when they don't apologize or even admit their wrongs or honestly believe they have not done you wrong? How do you forgive someone who keeps doing the action that you are trying to forgive them for? I want an apology before I forgive. But there are just some people in my life who will never apologize. I want a person to change their behavior before I forgive them. How can I forgive you for spreading lies about me when you continue to do so? It is extremely difficult to forgive in these cases. 

I keep being smacked in the face with these verses: Matthew 18:21-23 "Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times?" 

 This is the quote I have been trying to apply to my life. I truly believe when we hold on to that hurt and anger, refusing to forgive and let go, it causes us so much pain. I have done tons of reflection lately. I've realized part of my inability to forgive is my need for the sincere apology.  I just need to hear they were wrong, they are sorry, and they will not repeat the action. That is in a perfect world. 

What I'm realizing is I need to discover peace and forgiveness without those things. I am a work in process but I'm getting there. So I just keep repeating forgive, let go, move on. 

Maybe I want to be a camp director!

Summer break is in full swing. This time of year I see the usual blog being shared over and over. It is called something like I'm not a camp director or a cruise director, something close to that. Of course, right this second I cannot locate it. It goes on to talk about how the writer is not planning summer fun activities for every second of the day. The writer is against that. That is the writer's choice, but I'm tired of parents shaming each other for varying opinions. Maybe I want to be a camp director all summer, and that's fine, too.  I will not shame you for just chilling all summer. So please don't shame me for my over planning.

I take a portion of my parenting philosophy from the great 90s movie Hook. The mom is explaining to grown up Peter that kids grow up so fast and soon they will be begging their kids for their time instead of the kids begging for the parents' attention. I swear just yesterday gabrielle was a baby and now she will be entering middle school in the fall. They grow up in a snap. "For parenting, the days are long, but the years are short." So for me, I love to plan fun, memorable days. When I worked full time, I had Monday's off. We called them Monday fun days.  Every Monday, we would do something whether it was going to the park, swimming, hiking, or for bad weather days we had movie marathons. When I stopped working, I started really planning summer fun.

We utilize local free events, like the summer ending program at the library and play dates. We go to the $1 movie program at the local movie theaters. Our Parks and Rec department has tons of fun programs like outdoor plays, outdoor movies, park passports, splash playgrounds. We have memberships to the local zoo and Children's Discovery Museum.  We get season passes to the local pools. We have at home art days and movie days. Every summer we watch all of the Harry Potter movies and all the Star Wars movies.

We visit relatives. We plan day trips.  My daughter always attends church camp and one more local camp, depending on her interests. She plays softball, so we practice in the yard. Plus I always make her do school work. I buy a workbook each summer for her to complete. The focus is keeping her retention of what she already knows. This is not her favorite part of the summer but she starts the school year off on the right foot.

I love being a "camp director" and I'm not ashamed of it. Be the parent you want to be, and never let others shame you for your choices.

Last words

Today would have been Holly's 34th birthday. This day and her death anniversary are always days of deep thinking for me. Holly was a high school friend who died in a car accident my senior/ her junior year of high school. She was taken far too soon. May 7th will be 17 years since she died at age 17. So we are getting ready to pass time where she will have been gone longer than she was alive. That seems so wrong. It is unfair. I often think about all the stuff she didn't get to do. This year I tried to focus on what she did get to do with her short life. She managed to touch people in profound ways. I'm going to talk about how she changed my life forever.

She made me be more careful of my words, because I'll never forget my last words to her. It happened just outside Mrs. Coffman's English class. She was talking with a group of mutual friends. She was giggling when I walked up. I asked what was so funny. I don't remember the next few little comments we said back and forth, but I remember us being sarcastic. Then I said, "Fine. You won't tell me. Then I'm never speaking to you again." Yes, they were said joking around. Yes, I know that there was no way of me knowing those would be my last words. Seventeen years later, I still feel horrible about it. I have lost many friends and family since. In the case of my grandpa and mother-in-law, I knew they were dying. I made my last words to them full of love and leaving no words unsaid.

Losing Holly made me think any moment God could call me home. I fixated on what her last words spoken were. I was so afraid my last words to others would leave unsaid stuff. So I wrote a note to my loved ones, in case of my death. I still have it. I revise it yearly. It is my final goodbye. I write it so that way I know my final words will be positive, meaningful words. It gives my loved ones closure, peace, and reassurance (or at least I hope so.)

Holly had a voice of an angel. She sung so beautifully. I love to sing. I only was able to fit chorus in one year in high school. I'm not a talented singer but I enjoyed it so very much. I was always afraid embarrassing myself, so I didn't sing often. After her death and to this day, I sing all the time. Ask my family. I'm constantly making up songs. Her death taught me that life is too short to not do the things you enjoy.

Her death taught me that I will never know God's reasons. After her car accident, she lived in ICU until the next morning. I went to school praying that she would be fine. I was convinced she would be fine. In my English class, some mean girls were talking about the accident and her death. (She was dead by that time but all of us at school didn't know it.) I lost it and said she was going to be fine and would come back to school. She would sing and graduate valedictorian. Later when the news reached us that she was gone, I was lost. I coukdnt believe it. I looked to my wise English teacher and asked for words of comfort. He told me the only word he could think of was "why" (not very comforting).  Actually it ticked me off at the time. 

A few days later he came to me and told me this story: (disclaimer I can't remember it word for word) There was a famous, successful artist. He was older and a bachelor. He never thought he would find "the one". He finally found his true love. They were madly in love. Then she became ill and died. He was devastated. Time passed and in an interviewed he explain how he coped with it. He believed that we all started out as a giant block of stone. Then God chips away parts of our block. It hurts to lose those pieces. We don't understand why those pieces must be taken. We think we will die without those pieces, but we don't die. We change. We become more and more of the beautiful sculpture that we are meant to be. It was like that teacher spoke straight to my soul. That story has helped me through so many tough times. 

In closing, she taught me about friendship, love, and loss. She will never be forgotten. 

Unanswered prayers

I drove down a street today that I hadn't been down in years. I drove by our first apartment that Mike and I shared. It is where we lived when we first got married. Then I drove down another street and saw our dream house. 

When we realized our apartment was much too small for a growing toddler and 2 adult AND all our stuff, we started the hard chore of house shopping. I cannot even guess how many houses we looked at. We found our dream house with our dream yard in our price range two blocks from our apartment. It was love at first site. The wife wanted to sell but the husband did not. We learned quickly that the house really wasn't for sale. The husband would not fix anything or lower the price or compromise on anything. Our realtor told us to forget about the house. 

We were bummed that God did not answer our prayers about that house the way we wanted Him to. Driving by that house I thanked God for "unanswered prayers." We call them unanswered prayers but really God answered it by saying, "No. I have something better for you." 

If we had moved into that house, our daughter never would have attended the school that she did. We would not have made the friends that we did. We would not have encountered the people that we were meant to.  Looking back, I'm so glad God said no. 

This summer and fall God said no or wait to lots of my prayers. So many times I angrily questioned His wisdom. (I know how ridiculous that sounds.) I was so sure I knew best. I experienced a lot of heartbreak and frustration. I still can't say I'm thanking God just yet for saying no and/or wait. But seeing that house today gave me hope that in years to come, I'll be able to thank God for His wisdom. 

Secret Agent Birthday Party

Where has the last 5 weeks gone?  I meant to post this right away but life became busy with back to school activities and my wedding anniversary.  This year my baby girl turned 10.  For her birthday, she wanted a Secret Agent Party.  I searched Pinterest and Etsy for ideas. I found the best packet of printables from
http://www.etsy.com/shop/SIMONEmadeit  (I know the link isn't working within my text but I promise that is the correct link, so copy and paste it.  Sorry about that.)

We sent out fun invitations that said for Secret Agent Eyes Only.  We gave each child a new agent name.  Each name was a color and animal.  My daughter was purple monkey.  For the party we referred to all children as their secret agent names.  To get into the party they had to decode the password (It was awesome sauce.) and do a secret handshake. We decorated with finger prints and mustaches. 

First thing they had to do finger prints (this went into their goodie bags to take home.)  The whole party was set up to complete missions to earn a Goodie Bag.  First Mission was a laser maze.  We had the girls hang out in my daughter's room.  To get access to the bag yard they had to go through the laser maze.

Next mission was a tire maze.  Once the girls went through the tires they had to pick a lollipop.  Only one lollipop had the clue to the next mission.  (Later they goofed around with the tires.)

Other missions included finding letters in rice and creating words with those letters, target practice (shooting golf balls off a railing with a nerf gun), and popping balloons and using secret pens to decode a message.  (We were having way too much fun to remember to get photos of each mission.)

In the end everyone received a goodie bag filled a pen that wrote in invisible ink, a notebook (inside my daughter wrote a thank-you note with the special pen),a necklace with a picture of the code name (purple monkey, golden hyena, blue horse), candy, and magnifying glass. 

We also served truth serum (water), pizza, and bombs (cupcakes).

This was by far my favorite birthday party that I did for my daughter. 

First day/week reflection

I started this journal five years ago today! I started this journal as kind of a therapy tool. Blogs hadn't really taken off yet. I just loved to write and wanted a place to do so. Some of my posts are private but most are public. It is a great place for my medical updates, parenting tips, views on current events, etc. 

I posted my first entry on the very difficult day of Gabrielle's first day. I can't believe that was five years ago today! Gabrielle started fifth grade this week. To be honest it was hard walking her to school the first day of fifth grade. I can't believe how much she has grown. I am proud of the person she is growing into. I am proud of her everyday. 

Scavenger Hunt to Summer Fun

I made a scavenger Easter egg hunt for my daughter. She had so much fun and begged for another one. We watch Double Dare on YouTube and are big Amazing Race Fans. So I decided to make her next scavenger hunt have challenges like on those games shows.

The last day of school I picked her up and handed her a note. The note described her mission, which was to find summer. (For this activity summer was a basket from the dollar store filled with summer goodies. More on that later).
In the letter it had a secret deciphering code and a clue to her next clue. At each clue was an activity and a clue to the location of the next clue. We had activities both inside and outside. You could even send them to a neighbor who was willing to be a part of it.
Here are some examples of stations/clues:
This is here reading her about the mission.  (For a top secret mission I just google searched image top secret.  I choose that logo to go on clues and notes.)

 The above picture is her clue that was written backwards.  (That is her concentrating face.)
Below is her eating a frozen whip cream pie.  Under the whip cream was a cool in a sandwich baggie.  The messier the clues the more fun she had. 

 Below is the popped balloons.  All the balloons had a piece of paper in them.  That way she couldn't just shake them to feel if there was a clue inside.  She had to pop to discover a lot of "not it" clues. 

 Below is a sample of clue that she had to decode.  The clues were vague like "back yard" or "mommy's favorite reading spot." 

Below is the messiest, yuckiest clue. I filled a small cooler up with cooked pasta.  I buried letters (from a board game).  She had to find all the letters and then figure out what the letters spelled.  I gave her a spoon but she wanted to get as messy as possible.  The funny part was the letters spelled "clean up".  The next clue was in the bathtub.

Below is a clue at her play house.  The window was covered with paper.  She had to use her homemade sling shot/marshmallow shooter to break the paper down.  I found an easy to make one on pinterest.  

Happy ending to the search.  I bought a laundry basket from the dollar store.  I filled it with items for this summer.  The big items were a tennis racquet and a cheap microscope ($10 at Walmart).  She was taking tennis lessons this summer and needed the racquet.  Most of the items were from the dollar store, like sparklers, sand toys, pool toys, etc.  I am thinking about doing on to mark the start of school.  We have spent the summer doing little obstacle courses and scavenger hunts.  She loves them. 

(PS sorry for the delay in posting this.  The summer just flew by.)